seesaw august

i just want something permanent. even though earlier this summer i claimed the opposite. some things are best left unsaid. some things are for suckers.

today i thought about him. and that blurry night we talked on the phone about planes.
i thought about him, too. but i think i shouldn't think about that anymore.

half dreading half excited for my last year of school to begin. but where will i go from here? i 'll be applying to grad school in the winter and upon graduation, i plan on spending an entire week drunk on wine.

places i may or may not end up living next year:
boston, MA
nyc, NY
austin, TX
los angeles, CA
west hartford, CT

but until then i want to spend more time DOING THINGS--not sitting around making empty plans, but actually DOING THINGS. as soon as njs (niki) and i move onto olive st. THINGS WILL BE DONE.








i am on fire. at night i am a beacon. i could replace a small lighthouse. i lift my arms and watch the billowing smoke. i go to the bar alone and leave with vodka, gin, and tequila in my belly. i am on fire. my nailpolish is chipped. i have been single for four months. i would leave the house, but feel safer locked in this room. i am on fire. i want to hurl flames in your direction, i want you to notice, i want what i don't want. (all i need is a chick who like movies/rain/and singing disney songs. i want a girl that can slamdunk too)

somewhere a boy is swimming in the ocean. he will lie in the clouds and think about everything he loves. and i hope maybe i will cross his mind.

but marbles are marbles. girls will be boys. boys will be girls. i don't want to conform to the narrow views society has for me and my gender, and i'm sure you don't want to either. (just like that part of the fifteen song joe likes to play) masculinity femininity gibberish bullshit. give me more to devour, more to discover. let's talk. i want to know what you think. let's be honest and straightforward and not worry about her--wether her outfit is cuter than yours or if she has stupid hair or bigger boobs or shallow friends--she has to deal with the same shit we do, so does it matter?

i notice your eyes when you talk and you always seem disinterested. i want us to be the kind of friends they base movies on. sit here a little longer, play me another record. let's make dinner and talk of failed relationships. tell me about your new favorite band and i'll color a picture for you.